Thursday 17 November 2016

Day 21 - Following other peoples decisions

While growing up I always thought that I didn’t have to think of anything hard - like my life career choice, I always assumed it would just appear before me and at the very least I would be able to copy the life choices of those who came before me. Namely my brother who became a teacher.

I believed that ‘if he can do this job, so can I’. This meant for me that I did not have to think about what I would be when I grew up, that if ‘things didn’t work out’ or if some job/prospect did not ‘fall into place’ I would revert to what his choices were, a failsafe.

Now that I am within this profession I see that it is not what I actually want to do, I do not see myself living my utmost potential through this job of teaching others. And so now there is a stuckness that I am experiencing within myself, a fear that it is too late to change course and that I am going to be in this profession for the rest of my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that thinking about a career choice is a hard thing to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of choosing a career path because I believe that I will be stuck in that one career path for all eternity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect making a career choice to fear, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realise, and understand that making a career choice is not a permanent phenomena, and that one can change at any time that they wish.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise, and understand that I have been trapping myself within this belief that it is impossible to change course after one has set sailed, seeing now that this absolutely not the case and that course corrections and readjustments can be made, indeed one can turn around completely if one wished to do so, it just means turning around.

I hence forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to leave all these ‘hard’ decisions to other people who have come before me, other people who have already made these decisions with ‘success’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that my life would simply unfold before my eyes - that I would not have to ‘do’ anything to ‘make’ anything happen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a waiting game where I am just waiting for things to happen in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my elder brothers life as a template for how my life ‘should’ be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that ‘if he can do this job, so can I’, using this as a justification for not having to investigate what it is that I want to do in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that because someone else has already tread upon a particular path, that it means that I can just follow their lead.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that I can just do ‘whatever’ with my life and if ‘things do not work out’ i.e. I do not find something that I want to do that I can simply use this other person’s decisions - not having to make any decisions for myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the teaching profession as a failsafe for any failure to do other things in my career.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of making choices within a group, for fear that I will lead them into some kind of wrong decision, and that I will be held responsible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect making a decision within a group and having it turn out that the decisions I made were wrong and being held accountable for these decisions - to fear, so I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a depression with my current career path.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as having failed at being successful in my life because I am not making enough money and am not in a ‘respected’ job’, not seeing, realising, nor understanding that within all of this I can see that I am not living my utmost potential in terms of work, that I know I can do better - and so it is not so much about being in a low paid, less respected position but rather that I am aware that there is more that I can do with my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the feeling of being stuck in my position - that there is nowhere else for me to go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that there is no way I can change my career path, not seeing, realising, or understanding that careers can be changed at nearly any time, and that all I need do is resolve myself to take the steps necessary to make the change happen in reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of not having enough money if I went back to study.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘not having enough money if I go back to study’ to fear, thus I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of being stuck in the teaching profession for the rest of my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘being stuck in the teaching profession for the rest of my life’ to fear, and so I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I will myself to see, realise, and understand that changing course is as simple as it is to change the direction I am walking in - I need only move and to see and realise and understand that my fears of it being ‘too hard’ or ‘undoable’ are merely my own conditioning that I have given to myself where I have repeated these words ‘I cannot change my profession because that would be too difficult’ over and over.

When and as I see myself as going into this space of believing that things will work out for me and that I will find what I need to find ‘automatically’ I stop and I breathe and I will myself to see, realise, and understand that this is not actually how reality works, shit does not just happen, and anything that does happen has had a previous physical cause, such as the fact that one has to work towards a qualification before they can be qualified. I see and realise wishing for things to happen by and of themselves is a ‘get out of responsibility clause’ that I have used on myself, that I have ‘spelled’ on myself so that I dupe myself into believing that I can get away with doing nothing with my life, where I give myself permission to just float along.

I will myself to see that I have not failed at being successful, rather I have limited my potential by allowing myself to first compare myself to others, and then within that comparison I have not allowed myself to see who I am within all of this, thus not seeing or realising what the essence of my potential really is, not seeing what I am good at and what I thrive at because I have been clouding my vision with this idea I have of success, not ever really investigating what it is that I am naturally attuned to - and how I can make that natural expression of me into an actual, real, successful career.