Day 19 - Fear of angry confrontations

There was a moment where I saw someone was becoming aggressive towards me, where they had been ‘upset’ by me and were trying to find some point of blame to push onto me. There was a lot of worry in the moment - my skin started to sweat, I tuned into an ‘understanding mode’ even though I was quite offended and angry with what was happening.

I did not believe that the responsibility he was trying to place on me was actually mine, I thought to myself ‘why don’t you take responsibility for this point? It is to do with you and your family after all - why try to drag me into this’.

There was a lot of fear that I had about this person, they had a large physical presence, and they seem angry most of the time. I feared the moment spiralling into a madness where I am just being shouted at. I feared showing weakness, I feared looking as if I cannot stand up for myself. I think to myself ‘what will all these other people think of me if I do not hold my ground?’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of somebody being aggressive towards me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect someone being aggressive towards me, to fear, thus I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that I had done something to them to warrant this angriness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in fear and worry of what might happen to me if this moment were to escalate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the thought of the moment escalating to fear, I thus forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of escalation, not seeing, realising, and understanding that I have a level of control in the situation in terms of myself, I can assess and decide upon what I say so that I can be heard. I can see also that there are moments when there is nothing that I can do from my end, when the other person has made up their mind about who and how they will be in that moment. Thus within these moments I direct myself to step back and step out of the situation because that is the common sense thing to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of stepping out of the situation because I fear offending them and making them more angry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect a stepping out of the situation for fear of offending them, to fear, thus I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear my own fear. Not seeing, realising, and understanding that their anger is the own, and if they cannot own it and take responsibility for it then I must remove myself from the situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a judgement of myself because I started to sweat in this moment, and within sweating I believe that I am showing the other person that they have effectively placed me in a position of fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of being in a position of fear.

I thus forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect being in a position of fear to fear, thus I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an understanding character whereby I accept what the other person is saying and pretend to agree with it, because I fear the consequence if I don’t.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in anger and offence at what was happening, participating in the backchat ‘why is this person doing this? Can they not see how wrong they are, why can they not take responsibility for this point that they are shouting at me over?’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that I can be dragged into a situation by another person, not seeing, realising, or understanding that I cannot do this without my prior acceptance and allowance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of the moment spiralling out of control, and the situation becoming physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect something spiralling out of control into a physical confrontation - to fear, thus I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of showing weakness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect showing weakness and fear - to fear, thus I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of looking as if I cannot ‘stand up for myself’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘looking as if I can’t stand up for myself’ to fear, thus I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of what other people may think of me if I was to not stand my ground/stand up for myself.

When and as I see myself faced with an angry person who is throwing a lot of charged words my way, either directly towards me or someone close to me, and I see myself becoming nervous or going into a fake face/character so that I can get out with the least possible damage, when I see myself in that moment before I start sweating and going fully into a repressed fear, I STOP and I breathe. I will myself to see the common sense in the situation and offer it without any emotional or energetic backdrop, to stop my own reaction in its tracks and look past the anger to see what this other person is saying. To not allow myself to be worried or concerned about what others may think but instead shift my focus to me, my breathing, and my thought processes that are happening here. What are the common sense steps to take here in this moment, is it possible for me to resolve this situation with the knowledge and understanding that I have here now? Or must I refer the problem to someone who is more experienced and can deal with the situation effectively?  Thus I will myself to investigate the words calm and professionalism so that I am in the position to live them when and as similar moments arise in life.

Day 18 - Training Day

I have found myself in the position where I have the opportunity to train another person when it comes to their career, it is effectively on the job training for this other person.

There was a judgement coming up within myself that ‘this person is lazy, they do not care, they do not want to do anything, they have no initiative, they are liars.’ I find myself fearing to tell them what to do, I fear standing within my own authority and directing them, instead just being silently angry and frustrated, saying to myself ‘why won’t they just get the picture here’.

There is the fear of offending, hurting, and upsetting them by my harsh words, like ‘don't do that, stop doing that, do this, do it like this’. The fear of them backchatting about me comes up, as if they are somehow capable of bullying me with their words and general dislike of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of training other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect training people to fear, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a judgement of this person as being lazy because they are not doing everything that everybody else is doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that a trainee has to be doing exactly what I am doing in the way that I am doing it because if they are not - they are failing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for having such a standard exist within me where i am basically saying ‘it is either my way or the highway’ not seeing, realising, and understanding that in most professions this is actually the case.

Thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ‘be soft’ and ‘understanding’ and ‘hopeful that this person will somehow change by and of themselves, not seeing, realising, or understanding that a certain amount of prep work has to be done first, they need to be able to stand before they can walk, and walk before they can run.

Thus I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realise, and understand that it is not about being soft or hard, but rather it is simply about saying it like it is, there does not need to be any emotional attachment to it, it simply is.

I thus forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of telling them what to do and how to do it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect telling them what to do and how to do it to fear, thus I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear my own fear, within this not seeing, realising, or understanding that they cannot know what they have not been exposed too.

I thus forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of directing them consistently in each moment that I am seeing that they need it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect directing them in each and every moment that I see they need it to fear, thus I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of offending, hurting, or upsetting them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect offending, hurting, or upsetting them to fear, thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear. Not seeing, realising, or understanding that their offence, hurt, or upset is nothing to do with me and everything to do with them. And thus I do not accept and allow any grudges they hold against me to affect how I am with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of them backchatting about me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect them backchatting about me to fear, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of being verbally bullied behind my back.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect being verbally bullied behind my back to fear, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

When and as I see myself as in the moment watching something happening with the trainees that I see is not being done correctly, in that moment questioning whether I should say something, fearing a reaction from them for ‘speaking against’ what they are doing, I stop and I breathe - I will myself to see, realise, and understand that there can be no progress if I simply allow something improper to continue, that by hoping that they will just learn, or that somebody else will step in and take charge is the way in which things get left alone, and bad practice is allowed to fester. Thus I take a step back and see if I can interject in that moment, and if not in that moment a later one, where I can say to them in common sense and without and fear, sympathy, anger, or frustration what it is they could do better, and how exactly it is they should do it. To shed the skin of sensitivities that I have been wearing my whole life and speak common sense and nothing but.