Wednesday, 19 April 2017

Day 26 - Fear of Conflict

Growing up I remember feeling bad for people who were feeling bad or for those who were in some kind of argument.

I thought that I ‘knew’ what this person is going through, because ‘this Must be how they are are feeling, how could they feel anything else?’. This led me to occasionally ‘play the fool’ or to remove myself from the situation because of the sheer discomfort I felt at being in that situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in ‘feeling bad’ for people who are apparently going through some argument with somebody in front of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that I know what this person on ‘the receiving end’ is ‘going through’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that the two people arguing in front of me can be polarised into ‘attacker’ and ‘attacked’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of the attacker, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be defined by the belief that ‘there is no way that I can tell them that they are being unfair - because otherwise they will attack me’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect telling the apparent attacker that they are ‘being unreasonable/not seeing all the different perspectives’ and thus being attacked myself - to fear, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as the belief that ‘what is happening within in me’ in terms of my emotional movements is also happening within this person that is being attacked, not seeing, realising, or understanding that I can never know for certain what is happening inside the mind of these people who I believe are unjustly being attacked - and that In fact what I am doing is overlaying my own reactions onto this other person and believing that they are experiencing what I am experiencing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that the attacker is always wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as the belief that the person being attacked is always right.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become discomforted by the presence of two people who are engaged in an energetic conflict with one another.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise, and understand that I am creating my own discomfort and discord in this moment, within myself,

I forgive myself for turning this fear of other people arguing into an excitement, where I would believe that ‘because it is not happening to me...I can at least gain some excitement from seeing these two other people fight with each other’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the self protection mechanism of trying to avoid arguments and confrontations, fearing who I will become within arguing and confronting someone. Fearing that I will become this mess of angry emotions, fearing that I will cry, fearing that I will look weak, or uncontrolled, fearing being laughed at if I am on the losing side of a confrontation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect arguments and confrontations - and who I am within them - to fear, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that I am comfortable, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define comfort as a state of non-conflict.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of conflict, I forgive myself for allowing myself to connect conflict to fear, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as the belief that I wish to keep things comfortable for myself, not seeing, realising, or understanding that what I mean by this is that I want to stay out of fights.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of fights.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of  fights,  I forgive myself that I have accepted I'm allowed myself to connect fighting to fear -   thus I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise, and understand that who I am within conflict is fear, fear of loss/losing, fear of being embarrassed, fear of not being ‘right’. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself  to connect conflict with fear of loss, embarrassment, and fear of being labelled as ‘wrong’, Thus I forgive myself allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that I must always be right, and that being wrong is ‘wrong’. Not seeing, realising, or understanding how I have formulated these patterns from my early life.

I remember always being right in school and feeling awesome because of this, always having the right answer, and when I got things wrong I did not know how to take it - I felt quite bad. I became less enthused with things, with the process of learning as a whole. It was as if being right was the only reason there was for learning. Funnily enough these two memory points of ‘feeling bad’ for people who were arguing and also not reacting well to getting things wrong occurred at around the same point in my early life. The primary years of schooling.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that there is no point to learning anything, unless I am always ‘getting it right’ - not seeing, realising, or understanding that learning is not defined by ‘getting things right’, and that from a simple base viewpoint it is about expanding one’s horizons in the world, allowing me to engage with the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that learning is about being better than everyone else. That learning and getting things ‘right’ is about differentiating myself from others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that the ‘process of learning’ is a process of being ‘rewarded’ via a process of specialisation, in which I become special.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as the statement ‘I must be better than others’ - not seeing, realising, or understanding how this statement was never in fact a statement of who I was, but rather a statement of what others expected of me and what they believed to be ‘right’.

When and as I see myself moving into this sense of discomfort at the thought of seeing two or more people engaged in a heated/emotional/energetic/turbulent exchange - I stop and I breathe. I will myself to see, realise, and understand that this discomfort has been borne out of my own judgement on what I apparently ‘see’ as ‘happening’. Thus I forgive myself for any judgements that I may be creating or holding onto when I see this ‘exchange’ happening in my reality, not allowing myself to create a good/bad polarity, no longer allowing myself to create my own internal narrative which I project onto others, instead staying still within myself and viewing the situation with a common sense borne out of silence.

When and as I see myself in a moment where I am about to get into a ‘confrontation’ with another person, I stop, and I breathe, and I will myself to understand that there can be no confrontation if I am not allowing myself to go into a confrontation ‘mode’. Thus I will myself to notice that moment where I start speeding and racing within myself in a wild rush to ‘defend’ my apparent position that I am holding onto, rather allowing myself to find my own position within myself physically, to find my breath and to slow down - not allowing myself to go into a race, not to become emotionally flustered, not to allow judgement to enter my mind, but to instead listen and respond, in common sense and consideration.

I will myself to see, realise, and understand that learning is a truly satisfying process that allows me the gift of being able to ‘do’ ‘more’ in this world.

Tuesday, 7 March 2017

Day 24 - Coming Home

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that I must 'come home to something'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as the belief that 'when one comes home from work, one must 'play'. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to thus participate in the belief that I must come home to drugs, alcohol or excessive eating.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that without these things my life will not be 'fun'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that I must have something interesting to do in my 'down time'. Secretly comparing and contrasting myself to my ideas of what I believe other human beings are like. 'I gotta go out drinking, smoking , I gotta be with people, I have to be laughing, I have to look as if I have a 'life'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to entertain myself with movies and tv shows that I find on the internet, not seeing, realising, or understanding how I am using these things as I used to use drugs and alcohol, as a way to not have to deal with what is really here.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise, and understand that I have addicted myself to movies and entertainment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that these things are 'fun' and that they can 'bring' me fun. Not seeing, realising, or understanding that they are tools of my own self-suppression and methods by which I ignore myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise, and understand that no matter how much I delve into these things, I am always eventually left with myself, the drugs wear off, it is too much of a hassle to have more, the movies do not entertain as much, there is no point of watching anything else, the friends and social circles become less fulfilling, I don't see them as much. And I have to come back to myself.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realise, and understand that I am not actually present while I am working, I wish to be somewhere else, I think of all the stuff I will do when I get home, I am not really here.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realise, and understand that being here is being cool with myself, not wanting for more, not needing to be anywhere else but here.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realise, and understand that even if I were to in these moments within my day, desire to be somewhere else, someone else, if I was to magically find myself in that place, as that person - I would still be looking to the next place to get too, there isn't really an end .

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be defined by the belief that 'there is somewhere to get too...some objective to be found' - not seeing or realising that I have programmed this belief into myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that in life I must be a success, in this case defining success as being the ability to show to others that I have accomplished in life, that I have money and prestige and that I am not poor and unimportant.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of being poor and unimportant. I forgive myself for connecting poor and unimportant to fear, thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.
And because of this I do not really appreciate just being here with myself, whether it is at work, at home, or anywhere else in the world.

I will myself to see, realise, and understand that coming home is a physical movement of myself from one place to another, I am only moving places physically; there isn't a need to 'do' anything, there is no 'special action' that I need to take to make this movement meaningful. There is no meaning in it, hence no need to seek out 'play'.

When and as I see myself participating in the belief that I must do something interesting in my 'downtime' because it is the time I am not 'working' I stop and I breathe, and I realise that there is no 'off time' and 'on time', there is only time and what I choose to do within it. Thus I do not have to limit myself to this belief that I 'must do something'.

I will myself to see that there are other things besides intoxication and entertainment that I can discover. I see that I am enjoying planting and discovering new locations where I live, realising that there are a variety of physical hobbies that I can take up.

I will myself to see, realise, and understand that I have been using movies and entertainment in the same manner that I have been using drugs, as an intoxicating escape from the here and now. I will myself to see and realise that at the end of the jaunt I am still left with myself, that no matter how much I try to entertain myself away, the entertainment becomes less entertaining, and I need more and more to get a ‘fix’.

I thus will myself to practice and explore what being present with myself means in reality, what working in breath means for me and what the effects are of being ‘here’ wherever I go.

Wednesday, 14 December 2016

Day 23 - Success Drug

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that I am a living being in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that I exist as a hope in the future somewhere.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that I can only exist in the future and not here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of living my utmost potential, because I fear that I will not be able to move myself to take the steps necessary to make change happen in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of taking steps, not seeing, realising, or understanding that steps can only be taken one at a time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn 'taking steps' into something which should be feared - fearing that I will not be able to make these steps.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that taking steps into the unknown is difficult, because I have never done it before.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realise, and understand that the same process is at work here and that I only can take one step at a time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of taking the wrong steps.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is impossible for me to thrive in my current existence as I am now, not seeing realising, or understanding that I need nothing but the air around me to take a thriving breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is impossible for me to take these thriving breaths one after the other continuously forever.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on the hope that I have created in my mind, that says to me 'all I have to do is wait and things will get better by themselves'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define life as being something within which I have to be successful at, not seeing or realising that success is a word that cannot be attributable to life.

That life is life,
unbounded and unconstrained,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my life must have some meaning to it - that otherwise it is not life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that life must have some meaning to it, not seeing, realising, or understanding that meaning is irrelevant to life, life simply exists without it.

Life exists simply, and in simplicity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being simple.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that simple is stupid, and that one cannot be recognised or achieve anything if one is simple.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as this desire to be recognised.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise that wanting recognition is straying away from simplicity and thus away from life.

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see that I have placed my trust in my mind, that I have trusted it to tell me what it is that I want in life- not ever stopping to consider that my mind might not be so trustworthy when it comes to telling me how to live my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear just existing

in my early days of smoking weed or doing drugs, I would always understand that point that I would fear being just here by myself

I would say to myself 'oh, that is something that I will do tomorrow, it is something that I can do at any time'

'why bother being with myself now'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always wait until tomorrow to do something instead of doing that thing now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear doing things now, here, and today - because I believe it would be too fast for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear going fast in anything.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is better to always takes one’s time with things, not seeing, realising, or understanding that this is not always true and cannot be applied as a blanket statement for everything that comes up in life.

Monday, 12 December 2016

Day 22 - Wanting to be worshipped

I have this memory from when I was a kid. We were all in our usual day to day interactions and I remember looking up to this other guy as such a ‘cool person’. Everyone was listening to him and ‘paying’ him attention. I remember wanting to be like this guy. And I remember seeing him in a moment when he went against other people’s decisions, like he was going against the flow of what was deemed to be ‘cool’ and/or ‘acceptable’. I think to myself in this moment that this is the ‘special technique’ to garner that ‘special attention’, this tactic of using the words ‘I’m going to do this a different way’...’because I am going to show you that my way is better’ is what I have been doing my whole life.

I’ve always liked to stray off the trail, to ‘show it can be done’. To do the uncanny and go into a different direction. This need to ‘show off’ again being used to collect on the other person’s good will and love. Because that is what I saw in that moment, this other person getting so much love, and that is what I have wanted since that day.

So sometimes this technique will work, and sometimes it won’t. When it does, it does not really go as I hope  (that people start worshipping me) - people kind of just look at you begrudgingly and if anything you make them really dislike you - because ‘nobody likes a show off’. And when it doesn’t work in your favour - you get laughed at, which is not so bad if one also enjoys having this kind of attention.

So if this desire for love and attention did not exist before this moment in my early youth, what came before? I can see that I was still there. But this comparison game, and wanting to be like, and wanting to be special, and wanting to be loved, was not. And all was fine in my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate another person getting more attention than everyone else is a thing to be had, a treasure to be won.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that everybody in the group is ‘paying’ him attention.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in wanting to be like this person and ‘be liked’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the acting out of what I believe to be his behaviours.

Thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that going against the dominant flow is what makes one ‘cool’ and ‘special’, believing that it would lead to that special kind of attention where people appear to ‘love’ you.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for ‘techniques’ in the words and behaviours of other people. Leading myself into what I believed I would be able to make as my ideal image of myself.

I thus forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to a belief that I must actively do something different when it comes to my engagements with other people, I must appear different and revolutionary, and I must appear ‘right’ in doing so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that i like to ‘stray off the trail’ - that this is the type of person I am, not seeing, realising, or understanding that this is not actually who I am, and that this is simply a script that I have taken from this other person, a script that I have been repeating to myself over and over in an effort to have a life like him and be worshipped, trying to be something that I am not, believing that I must sculpt myself as the image of others because otherwise I won’t have anybody worshipping me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that going into a different direction without any regard to what that direction is, just doing it because it is different, is without any direction and is just movement from a starting point of wanting to be ‘special’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to from a very early age attempt to collect on the Goodwill and love of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust my mind in that moment where I believed that this other person was getting so much love and attention, not seeing, realising, or understanding that I was not really looking at the moment clearly and lacked the ability to articulate what was happening.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to use this technique of wanting/needing to be different so that I can set myself apart from others, so that I can make myself special.

I forgive myself that I have not even accepted and allowed myself to see, realise, and understand that I want people to worship me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise, and understand that how I wish it were in my mind - is not how it has ever happened in reality, and if it has kind of happened and I have managed to gain some special ‘worship attention’ from someone in my reality - it is never the exactly how I wanted it, and thus it is never satisfying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that being at the centre of attention, being famous, being loved and liked, being worshipped, can lead me to be a satisfied human being. Not ever actually questioning the nature of this satisfaction within and as myself.

The same goes for when I see other people who are like me, but are enhanced versions, better jobs, money, house, car, looks, girlfriend, family, etc. It is like I am worshipping them in my mind, but I am hating them at the same time. I secretly wish that the roles were reversed and I was in their place.

I thus forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a showing off of myself, not seeing, realising, or understanding that this does not bring me happiness and satisfaction like I think it does.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy being laughed at, because this is also a form of attention giving where I can ‘soak it all in’.

I forgive myself that I have secretly accepted and allowed myself to define myself as the belief that all types of attention are good attention - that all publicity is good publicity.

When and as I see myself as going into this mindset of ‘I have to be different, I have to do it cool, I have to do something in a way that nobody else is doing it’ - I will myself to stop and to breathe - and I place the question what is the best way I can do this in this moment that does not compromise me by allowing me to follow a certain path that I believe will give me ego gratification through other people’s attention.

I will myself to see, realise, and understand that we were all in our own minds in that moment, that all of us saw some qualities in this other person that we all liked, like confidence and their use of words and sound, the way they held themselves as a being - all of which were inspiring. Not seeing, realising, or understanding that back then I did not have the understanding that I have now (which would be to investigate what it is I need to do to become that expression)  - all I saw was a person that had something that I didn’t - and that I wanted what they had in the form of attention. And so I tried my best to mimic them so that I could get to that experience of myself, not actually seeing that this experience of myself that I wanted to have was all make-believe.

When and as I see myself participating in the desire to have things ‘be’ a certain way, as in the image I have in my mind of how I would like people to see me, how I would like them to like me, how I would like to replicate this moment that I saw this other person being worshipped - I stop and I breathe - and I will myself to see, realise, and understand that even when this has supposedly happened to me, and I have garnered this special worshipping attention - it has never been what I expected and wanted it to be, it always left a bad taste in my mouth. I will myself to see and realise that one cannot have this special kind of attention without creating a reaction in other people, the love is not always real love and it is always followed up in some way by hate, jealousy, and spite. Thus I am expecting people to give me this unconditional love when actually I am creating an environment in which I bring out the worst in people. I can no longer expect to create these ‘positive attention environments’ without also creating their polar opposites.

.



Thursday, 17 November 2016

Day 21 - Following other peoples decisions

While growing up I always thought that I didn’t have to think of anything hard - like my life career choice, I always assumed it would just appear before me and at the very least I would be able to copy the life choices of those who came before me. Namely my brother who became a teacher.

I believed that ‘if he can do this job, so can I’. This meant for me that I did not have to think about what I would be when I grew up, that if ‘things didn’t work out’ or if some job/prospect did not ‘fall into place’ I would revert to what his choices were, a failsafe.

Now that I am within this profession I see that it is not what I actually want to do, I do not see myself living my utmost potential through this job of teaching others. And so now there is a stuckness that I am experiencing within myself, a fear that it is too late to change course and that I am going to be in this profession for the rest of my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that thinking about a career choice is a hard thing to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of choosing a career path because I believe that I will be stuck in that one career path for all eternity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect making a career choice to fear, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realise, and understand that making a career choice is not a permanent phenomena, and that one can change at any time that they wish.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise, and understand that I have been trapping myself within this belief that it is impossible to change course after one has set sailed, seeing now that this absolutely not the case and that course corrections and readjustments can be made, indeed one can turn around completely if one wished to do so, it just means turning around.

I hence forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to leave all these ‘hard’ decisions to other people who have come before me, other people who have already made these decisions with ‘success’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that my life would simply unfold before my eyes - that I would not have to ‘do’ anything to ‘make’ anything happen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a waiting game where I am just waiting for things to happen in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my elder brothers life as a template for how my life ‘should’ be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that ‘if he can do this job, so can I’, using this as a justification for not having to investigate what it is that I want to do in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that because someone else has already tread upon a particular path, that it means that I can just follow their lead.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that I can just do ‘whatever’ with my life and if ‘things do not work out’ i.e. I do not find something that I want to do that I can simply use this other person’s decisions - not having to make any decisions for myself. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the teaching profession as a failsafe for any failure to do other things in my career.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of making choices within a group, for fear that I will lead them into some kind of wrong decision, and that I will be held responsible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect making a decision within a group and having it turn out that the decisions I made were wrong and being held accountable for these decisions - to fear, so I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a depression with my current career path.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as having failed at being successful in my life because I am not making enough money and am not in a ‘respected’ job’, not seeing, realising, nor understanding that within all of this I can see that I am not living my utmost potential in terms of work, that I know I can do better - and so it is not so much about being in a low paid, less respected position but rather that I am aware that there is more that I can do with my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the feeling of being stuck in my position - that there is nowhere else for me to go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that there is no way I can change my career path, not seeing, realising, or understanding that careers can be changed at nearly any time, and that all I need do is resolve myself to take the steps necessary to make the change happen in reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of not having enough money if I went back to study.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘not having enough money if I go back to study’ to fear, thus I forgive myself for allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of being stuck in the teaching profession for the rest of my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘being stuck in the teaching profession for the rest of my life’ to fear, and so I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I will myself to see, realise, and understand that changing course is as simple as it is to change the direction I am walking in - I need only move and to see and realise and understand that my fears of it being ‘too hard’ or ‘undoable’ are merely my own conditioning that I have given to myself where I have repeated these words ‘I cannot change my profession because that would be too difficult’ over and over.

When and as I see myself as going into this space of believing that things will work out for me and that I will find what I need to find ‘automatically’ I stop and I breathe and I will myself to see, realise, and understand that this is not actually how reality works, shit does not just happen, and anything that does happen has had a previous physical cause, such as the fact that one has to work towards a qualification before they can be qualified. I see and realise wishing for things to happen by and of themselves is a ‘get out of responsibility clause’ that I have used on myself, that I have ‘spelled’ on myself so that I dupe myself into believing that I can get away with doing nothing with my life, where I give myself permission to just float along.

I will myself to see that I have not failed at being successful, rather I have limited my potential by allowing myself to first compare myself to others, and then within that comparison I have not allowed myself to see who I am within all of this, thus not seeing or realising what the essence of my potential really is, not seeing what I am good at and what I thrive at because I have been clouding my vision with this idea I have of success, not ever really investigating what it is that I am naturally attuned to - and how I can make that natural expression of me into an actual, real, successful career.


Wednesday, 19 October 2016

Day 20 - Crying in a corner

I remember those moments of crying a a kid. It was a very extreme fear, confusion, terror, anguish, anger, lots of things. I would always go into the corner of a room and wail as loud as my voice would allow me, there was no choice back then, I did not know what was going on, or what to do about it.

Strangely these memories of being shouted at/tormented by parents is not something that was at the forefront of my memories, but they were always there in the background - I just forgot them along the way until looking into the nature of my confrontations with people, and how I had always teared up when angrily confronting/being confronted by someone.

I remember my early life being full of ecstatic things, there was great ups, I used to like going out to places. However it seems that this time in my life was always punctuated by ‘the next time I would get shouted at by my parents’. I don’t know exactly when the fear came about (it felt like it was always there), but I get the impression that back then I was always waiting for the next big standoff, always expecting it in a way; ‘it’s been a long while since mum and/or dad shouted at me for something, it will be time for the next round soon’.

So, the moment would come when I was out of line, or did something wrong by accident, or broke somebody’s something and the shouting started, and I went to go cry into the corner. I hated my parents for this, especially my mum, I wished death upon her and my parents generally while growing up.

The corner of the room was always the last resort, it was the only place I would go too if things ever got ‘really bad’. And looking back now I can see just how many times I took myself into this corner and stood there crying until I stopped.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in fear of being shouted at by my parents for doing something ‘wrong’,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘doing something wrong’ to fear, and so I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the implicit belief that it is justified to be shouted at when I have done something ‘wrong’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a seeking of refuge from the torrent of emotions that I am feeling in the moment of being shouted at - by moving myself into the corner of a room and facing it.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise, and understand that I did not know of nor have the vocabulary to describe what it was that I was feeling back then, as terror, confusion, anguish, and anger, not knowing that these words were what I was experiencing back then and not being able to use my own words effectively to explain my position so that as child and parent we could understand each other, instead of allowing myself to go on existing in a constant state of fear of the next moment when something ‘went wrong’ in my reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that it is normal to be shouted at as a child, that it is normal to experience this kind of ‘trauma’ where it seems like ‘the world is ending’.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realise, and understand that I had in fact suppressed these moments within myself to the point where I could not remember or recall them as something that had actually happened to me, not seeing, realising, nor understanding how these moments shaped me as who I am today - as in the moments of when I am faced with confrontation, and I will feel myself become teary eyed, not ever really knowing why this was happening, not ever thinking that my early years could have influenced who I am within confrontation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become tearful when faced with a confrontation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that life is about living for the ecstatic things, for the things that make me feel ‘up’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define life as excitement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a fear of ‘the next time I will be shouted at’, not seeing, realising, or understanding how I have created the pattern of being either in an up or down phase, where I define up as being excited and happy, and down as being shouted at/in trouble.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘the next time I will be shouted at’ to fear, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in a waiting game, where I am waiting and dreading the next moment that I will be in trouble like being shouted at by my parents for doing something wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to move myself into a corner because I believed that by doing this I would be able to get away from being told off, that I would be safe in my corner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief that I am safe in corners, not seeing, realising, or understanding how this belief applies to the rest of my life in the moments when ‘things get hard’ and I decide to move myself into a corner of my mind, either to take drugs or distractions to ‘get away from it all’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fantasise about my parents dying so that I would not have to experience being told off ever again.

When and as I see myself in confrontation and becoming flustered and teary eyed I stop and I breathe. And I will myself to remember the fact that I am now able to communicate myself fully and in detail, that I am able to see the situation before me and decide what it is I should say without becoming agitated or afraid that I will be shouted at ‘for no reason’ - even though this may happen I will myself to understand that this is the other person’s issue that they must face themselves. I will not always be dealing with amiable people. And so all I can do on my end is to be clear in what I am communicating and why. Step by step.

I will myself to see, realise, and understand that taking things slowly and in the step of the people around oneself is very beneficial to getting one’s point across and creating a space for communication to happen.

When and as I see myself going into a corner within my mind, entertaining the idea of ‘trying to get away from it all’ I stop and I breathe - and I will myself to see, realise, and understand that I am running into a corner as I did when I was a child, and that I am trying to get away from a point that I do not want to understand nor face. Thus I will myself to simply stop, look, and see what it is - in writing - that I am trying to get away from, and through understanding the point I allow myself to transcend the point that was burdening me.